The 6 keys to conscious sexuality

Published on

in collaboration with

Florentine d’Aulnois-Wang (couple therapist)

What if we left sexuality as we experience it to move towards a conscious sexuality, a sexuality that expresses itself with all the spontaneity in the world, far from the patterns that lock us in? The file may seem vast, but it is clearer and more accessible than it looks. Explanations.

At first glance, defining conscious sexuality is not easy. The couple therapist Florentine d’Aulnois-Wang, who publishes “The Keys to Erotic Intelligence” (ed. Larousse), proposes to develop the notion of conscious sexuality by what it is not: “It is not, contrary to what one imagines, a perched concept or a spiritual space in which one is bored to death”asks the specialist, who also hosts the podcast “couple’s space“.

Conscious sexuality is not meditative sexuality

A “non-definition” which is important, because the terms “conscious sexuality” are naturally assimilated to a kind of meditative sexualitywhich invites us to focus on the present moment and enter into communion with our partner to achieve purely psychic orgasms, or something like that.

Conscious sexuality is much less pompous ! It is a sexuality that we all know but leave aside. Even more surprising, it is a sexuality that we all want to access but without identifying the path that will lead us there: “Conscious sexuality comes down to exit automatic mode that lives in us when we make love, and to discover our sexual movement. Rather than reproducing choreographies imported into our brains by dint of reading, watching pornographic films or jokes about sex that derail our own sexuality, conscious sexuality invites us to come back to ourselves, to the other and to the relationship. . It nourishes us on an individual and relational level”develops the specialist.

Still blurry? here are the 6 principles of conscious sexuality, as suggested by the therapist. Because there’s nothing like discovering the cogs, and even the rules, of conscious sexuality to try it out and finally discover your own sex life.

Leave the “always more” and come back at least

The best is the enemy of good, as the saying goes. It is from this idea that we can understand the foundations of a conscious sexuality. “Many couples no longer make love, or less love, because they are tired of reproducing the same sexual intercourse for the sake of performance and orgasms”observes Florentine d’Aulnois-Wang.

And, faced with our sexual deserts, our first reflex is to seek “the most”: “We want more experiences, more discovery, more sexual objects, more partners, more technical manuals, more novelties…”, continues the expert. It’s true. The injunction to “more spice” crosses everyone.

The first principle of conscious sexuality will be to return at least. How ? By forgetting the tricks, remembering that our sexuality belongs to us and that “our bodies know”. In short, take two bodies, and let them meet with a maximum of authenticity and awakening to themselves: they will know how to find each other and marry each other.

To go further, we can also go in search of “less than less” by detaching ourselves from everything we think we know about sex and its proper implementation. Dare we say that we are novices in this area, and that each sexual relationship deserves to be approached without method, without practice to test, without judgment and without comment. The first principle will therefore be this: let’s enter the relationship by letting ourselves be guided, and forgetting the idea of ​​any manual.

Reconnect to your body, out of bed and in bed

“The body is the vehicle through which we engage in the discovery of sexuality and during sexuality”, warn the therapist. Which means, in other words, that conscious sexuality goes through a body that we tame, that we take care of, that is fed correctly, that sleeps well, that moves well. “A body with which we feel in relation is a body which carries our desire and expresses pleasure”, adds the specialist.

Our mission ? Accept our body as it is, and propose to him to be well, to be happy. Beauty standards don’t matter. “You don’t take care of your body to become the canon of an era, but to vibrate”, explains Florentine d’Aulnois-Wang. Let’s run, dance, have fun, and don’t forget that the more we invest our body with life, discoveries, nature, sun, emotions, the more it will be our ally. Once in the intimate, the body, which knows the way, will take it with its eyes closed. We will feel our desires and our pleasure more, because the sensations generated during physical rapprochements will be more exquisite thanks to this vibrating body.

Focus on connection

Conscious sexuality cannot take place without a sexual connection. Moreover, according to the therapist, the real sexual revolution will take place when the connection becomes a pillar of the encounter.

The sexual connection is a sum of sexual connections: connection to oneself, connection to the other, and connection to the sexual dimension in which we evolve. When we move slowly toward each other, we are more likely to create the harmony we hope for. To make room for it, we can also learn to ignore the outside world. Mindfulness can help us: we activate our five senses, and we focus on what we touch, smell, see, hear and taste. But don’t panic: conscious sexuality remains accessible without this exercise, because many people are too restless to achieve it.

The simple coordinated breathing can create the connection expected by conscious sexuality, because it anchors us in the moment and connects us to the other. We are two living, vibrant beings that connect to each other. Another trick, to return to connect to the present and to the ambient energy: ask yourself where you are. This question, as simple as it seems, forces the connection to oneself, and by extension to the other, since its entire presence brings us back to what is being played out.

Enter the party quietly

“Conscious sexuality is inspired by tantra, slow sexbut also scientific studies which prove to us that, often, the reports engage too quickly and that the women are penetrated too quickly, which is not always compatible with the access to the female pleasure”, explains couple therapist Florentine d’Aulnois-Wang.

Indeed, if it is not appropriate to associate conscious sexuality with tantrism or slow sex, conscious sexuality is a mixture of several disciplines which invite us all to take more time.

Time for what? “Time to enter the party”, says the specialist. The word “party” is pleasant to read, as it reminds us that conscious sexuality is not a soft and contemplative sexuality. The idea? Quietly live the preliminary stages through words, looks, tender caresses, in order to heal the atmosphere and allow the famous connection.

To encourage us to slow down in order to trigger the merger that must operate between the partners, Florentine d’Aulnois-Wang reminds us that in the porn mainstream, which present us with wild and hot sex, not everything is to be thrown away: “The concern today is that we want to reproduce what we see in porn, and these are just samples“.

Understand: porn isn’t always wrong, but it often excludes the excitement and sexual tension that leads to connections. “We can live these samples, provided we inject them with a journey and consent, which are skills of conscious sexuality”, details the expert. It’s up to us to take it easy and talk to our partner to make our sexuality a party. The festivities will begin when we have taken long minutes to mingle. All the practices carried out thereafter will hold this “little extra soul” pledge of pleasure and enjoyment.

Forget penetration and orgasm

Today, penetration and orgasm are an integral part of our sexuality. Conscious sexuality invites them to be put aside. Obviously, they are welcome, but we have to solicit them, and not let them enter the report as unavoidable and obligatory steps. We have our say. “From the moment we are two with Eros, we do not need penetration and an orgasm to travel“, underlines Florentine d’Aulnois-Wang. Because yessexuality is a journey, a discovery, of which we know nothing of the exact destination.

Listening to one’s inner movement, and verifying it with the other, leads us to the discovery of a conscious sexuality. The important thing, then, will be to give and to receive, during the practices that we like to invite. Giving and receiving is not always easy, between modesty and guilt. Many limiting emotions can grip us during conscious sex – proof that we are there. Let’s dare to cross them to take advantage of the present gift. “In reality, the connection requires little effort, as long as one does not seek to enter the experience with the mind and an athlete’s body”says the therapist.

Prioritize sexual energy over sexual technique

“Knowing your anatomy and the techniques that lead to pleasure and orgasm is helpful, but more important is sexual energy,” insists Florentine d’Aulnois-Wang.

Sexual energy is born from connection, not from the practice that you absolutely have to do. When we are connected to each other, we rediscover our pleasure, and the gestures flow. To support the point, the therapist offers an analogy: “When you are invited to a dance floor, you have two choices. That of looking for the right movement, at least the one you imagine to be the right one, or letting yourself be seized by the music, until you set off to discover new movements, which are beyond us. It’s exactly the same thing in sex”.

No need to know how to dance. We prefer to listen to the music of sexual intercourse in order to surprise ourselves. This music will create the caress, invite the practice, support the orgasm. Too spiritual? Not that much. Concretely, each time a thought arises and enjoins us to delve into our library of sexual practices and positions, let’s make the decision to feel the sexual energy, the one that circulates in our body, the one that is expressed in our breaths, the one that pierces through the body of a partner inhabited by pleasure. Let’s take the fold to focus on it and on the feeling of joy that results from it. This feeling of joy guides us, and it is much more real and palpable than it seems once in the middle of a sexual act.

The pleasure and enjoyment will then be more surprising, because they are fully impregnated with the sexual energy present. “I lead courses on this subject, and, often, couples testify, at the end of the course, to a new sexuality. They develop a sexuality which nourishes them and makes them want to start again. The energy that the we encounter in conscious sexuality is almost addictive, as it emanates from us”, explains the expert. We remember: you just have to get started to never turn back. So we have simplicity, time, connection, spontaneity and beneficial energy.

The 6 keys to conscious sexuality