May our work and duty lead us to perfection
My life this year is still similar. I have taken a lot of interest in computers and am now programming computer lessons for children’s review. I find it exciting and very creative. And the kids learn by playing.
The ailments are beginning: the vocal cords do not respond to me; It is an occupational disease, and the prostate is beginning to give me war. They are hazards of age, no longer young. Otherwise I am happy. We must always suffer something, because this world is a world of travel and travel, no matter how good, always brings discomfort. Now I read less, write more, speak very little and spend many hours on the computer.
I have written a book “LET’S LIVE OUR HOME CHRISTIANLY”. I have written it with the sole hope of serving a family to deepen their faith, and give them some clue for the mutual education of the couple and that of their children. But my main objective in this year 1987 has been to desire God, to aspire for perfection. I have not advanced too much, but my illusion has been great.
The memory of my first conversion, at the age of fifteen, has always dominated my spiritual life. Those were times of total surrender to the Lord in true sincerity. Perhaps I have never reached those heights of inner life in my life.
Then, little by little, the intimate tests, the impossibility of living the solitude of the priesthood to the fullest… they quenched that fervor of several years. I realized that God could not want for me a celibacy in sadness and anguish. That was a mental illness that today we call depression. And the only solution was to leave celibacy through the front door, like you. But I never abandoned my priesthood or my desire to advance my interior life to the fullest.
Several years I have gone to summer retreats with close friends since adolescence. In those days we were filled with spirituality. And each year our fervor and enthusiasm for holiness increases. We do not disconnect this inner life from our daily living. And we try each one in our profession or ministries to perform at the top and do all the good that we can.
A very strong grace I received from God three years ago. In appearance it can be a huge misfortune. The vocal cords don’t work well for me. Bad professional of the many years of preaching and teaching. According to what the doctor has told me, I can consider myself mute for the whole day, if I wish to continue with my profession and speak there in moderation. I have reduced my speaking relationship with others by 80 or 90 percent. This has led me to dedicate more time to prayer and spiritual reading. And, curiously enough, in my religion classes, the little that I can speak in them has much more internal and psychological effect than my nice and attractive talks of yesteryear. I am convinced: all this is due to the greater preparation of the topics in the heat of prayer.
By dedicating one more to prayer, the Lord asks more each day. And here comes the drama itself: sometimes I say yes. Others I tell you… tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. Source of failures and humility. And a source of joy when one is fully faithful to the Lord. On the other hand, I see it, my life is ending. And it’s not that I have cancer. But I have already lived 55 years, and a long, long time ago I rounded the Cape of Good Hope. And I must not allow myself the luxury of wasting a day. Along with this I enjoy inner peace. It is not, therefore, a nervous feeling, but one of compunction of the heart. I believe it leads me more to God and encourages me to correct myself from my many sins and ingratitude towards my Creator and Lord. My great “bargain” is: I fall asleep when I start reading novels or history that I have been very fond of. (I enjoy a personal library of 2,500 volumes). Instead, when I pick up my spiritual reading book, I pass the time without realizing it.
Jose Maria Lorenzo Amelibia
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